Eros
by idioticonion
Summary: Five stories. Five alternative universes. Catch up with various versions of Barney and Robin as they celebrate Valentine's day. Each story is based on an AU that can be found on . The answers to which are at the end of the story. VERY Adult rating.


**Eros**

Five Barney/Robin Valentine's Day stories, five alt-universes based on stories I've posted here on . Can you guess which is which? Answers at the bottom.

1. Extra Crispy

Robin sat upright, clicking her back, kneading the back of her neck with stiff fingers and yawning. The sandwich she was supposed to be eating was still sitting on the table in front of her, an hour later, dried out and curling slightly at the edges. Meanwhile, her notebook was filled with meaningless drivel.

Some Valentine's day!

The surly waiter sashayed passed her table and threw down the bill. She grimaced, turning it over and frowned.

On the bill was written "$100 says when you turn around, I say wow!"

Robin chuckled, her brain taking a moment to catch up with her eyes. Her head whipped around. On the table behind her was a large piece of paper with one word written on it with a black sharpie.

Robin rose to her feet, looking around the café until she spotted him, sitting on his own about five tables away from her.

He quirked an eyebrow, waited for her smile and mouthed "Wow".

The air seemed to turn to treacle as she fought to get to him, hurling herself into his embrace. "What in the hell are you doing here, Barney?"

When he chuckled, she could feel the vibrations in his chest. His hair was longer. It tickled her nose.

"I figured, New York in winter… What could be better, you know? California sun… who needs it?"

"Liar…" She said, grinning. He kissed her forehead. "Why didn't you text me, at least?"

"Would have totally spoiled the surprise!" He said, with mock-outrage, his eyes sparkling mischievously.

"You're a bad man."

He kissed her, lightly, on the lips. "Happy Valentine's Day, Scherbatsky."

He was a _very_ bad man. But she forgave him for it.

2. Psychotic

There was a man spread-eagled on her bed, wrists cuffed to the headboard, ankles tied down with a rope. There was a heart shape, literally carved into the flesh of his chest, the blood running in rivulets from the wound so that it looked like a starburst.

He was unconscious.

Robin made her way, tentatively, towards the bed.

There were rose petals spread all around the pillow, strewn across the white, cotton sheets. She appreciated the artistry.

The man's eyes snapped open, causing her to flinch. Even after everything she and Barney had done together, she could still be skittish. He could still surprise her.

She loved him for that.

The man thrashed on the bed, choking on his make-shift gag, his well-muscled limbs tensing and straining at his bonds. There was no chance of escape. Her lover knew his job too well.

Robin reached over to the dresser, retrieving a pair of tiny silver nail scissors, and grinned. That was the difference between a man and a woman. He had his samurai sword and his nail gun, she had her two-inch blades. She would see whose technique was more effective.

In half an hour, when she ripped the gag from his mouth, the man was literally begging her for death.

She felt a light touch on her shoulder, lips brushing her earlobe and she grinned.

"Just in time, loverboy." She moaned as his fingers slid beneath her blouse. "Great Valentine's present, by the way."

He laughed. "Cards are just _really_ lame."

"Yeah, they really are…" She agreed.

3. Fifth time lucky

Plan J: _Remember to mark off February 13th and keep him busy all day. Can't expect him not to stray on Desperation Day. _

Plausibility: _Good. After all, it's not hard to get him into bed in the first place..._

Result: _Watch this space..._

"Robin, COME ON! It's after midnight already… Mmmph!"

He's wriggling beneath her, his hips rising and falling rhythmically as she runs her tongue over the warm, silky-smooth flesh of his cock. She feels him quiver as she takes it into her mouth. It's killing him, holding back like this.

"Please!" He whispers, a catch in his voice.

He's close to breaking.

"Is this about the blonde, last weekend?" He says, through gritted teeth.

She slackens off, letting his penis drop from her mouth, cupping his balls as he twists fitfully against his restraints. She chuckles, leaving a wet trail of kisses over his inner thigh while he curses her from somewhere that seems very remote.

"Okay, okay… the brunette… er, three weeks ago?" He says. "Come _on_! You hooked up with a guy last Tuesday! I know you did… Don't… Oh… Oh…. OH!"

She takes him down, full length (she's gotten good at that since they've been dating) and his toes curl, his back arches and his _this_ close to coming.

She lets him go again.

"I'm going to kill you!" He shouts, in a rush. "I _hate_ you!"

She begins licking him again. He trembles and lets out a "Nnnngh!" sound.

It's not about the blonde, or the brunette. As long as he's honest with her, she really couldn't give a damn.

This is about reducing him to a quivering, helpless mess. This is about her and him.

Robin grins as she traces patterns across his stomach with her fingers and meets his gaze.

This is about _them_.

4. Old Blue Eyes

_--2029--_

"It's up to you… New York! New York!" He sang, fixing his cufflinks in time to each word. Robin joined in with the song, singing loudly and not exactly in tune.

"Marry me, Robin Sparkles!" He called out, laughing. He emerged from the bedroom, fixing his bow tie, jiggling it until the black fabric lay straight and perfect against his throat.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that!" Robin replied with a knowing smirk. And, hey… it struck her how handsome he still was. How time had been kind to him. Yes, there was grey in his temples now and his laughter lines were more deeply set, but he was still a fine figure of a man - wiry and full of energy. He'd put a man ten years younger to shame.

"Then I'll ask you next week, when you've had your ears syringed!" He grinned.

"Stop it!" She shuddered. "I plan to grow old disgracefully, you know that!"

He came up behind her and nuzzled her neck, sweeping her long, chestnut hair over one shoulder and kissing her. "And I'll be there with you, every step of the way…"

Her stomach twisted. This was as close to long term commitment as either of them had ever voiced. But after twenty years together, it was a bit ridiculous that such a throw-away comment still had the power to confuse and unsettle her.

Surely the point of their commitment was the… lack of commitment?

"Hey, are you okay?" He asked, as sensitive to her change in mood as ever. He was her barometer as well as her port in the storms of the world. New York was home, it was _him_, it was where she always came back to after each one of her travels.

"I'm okay…" Robin replied, shaking off her introspective feelings. "Who holds a fundraiser on Valentine's Day, anyway?" She said with a wry smile as she turned towards him.

"Someone who is totally, and in _every way_, awesome!" He said, beaming.

"You really are," She laughed, drawing him in for a hug.

She felt him run his fingers over the back of her head, heard him sigh as he held her and she realised, all at once, that she never, ever wanted to lose this feeling.

What they had was perfect. There was no reason why it ever had to change.

5. Bro way! (with added Ted...)

"Ted, come on…"

"Barney, give me a break. Seriously. Dollhouse…"

"That's why they_ invented_ TIVO, dude! It's dollar shot night at Giddy Ups!"

"Barney, you're already drunk."

"And your point is? Ted… Ted… "

"I'm looking at you. You probably can't tell because you are _so drunk_!"

"*sigh* Desperation day, Ted!"

"That finished half an hour ago. It's Valentine's day now."

"Look guys, I hate to tell you this, but neither of you are desperate."

"Robin, stay out of this. Men at work here."

"Really, Barney? Men that do dollar shots at Giddy Ups?"

"Robin's right, Barney. You are a Woo Girl! Woo Guy? What's a male Woo?"

"A Moo?"

"Hehe."

"Shut up!"

"Moo!"

"Anyway, back to the point. Neither of you are desperate… Oooo, Barney… would you… Mmmm…."

"Yeah Barney… keep your hands where I can see… Nnnnurrr! Not fair. Thought you wanted to go to Giddy Ups?"

"How's about we have our own Giddy Up right here?"

"Heh! Robin's got a Cowboy Hat!"

"Wooooo! Who you gonna ride first, Cowgirl?"

"Did you just Woo?"

"No!"

"Hehe! You totally did!"

"I vote we go bare-back!"

"Ted!"

"Bare breasted?"

"First one out of their pants gets to wear the Cowboy Hat?"

"First one on the bed gets to be the Cowboy!"

"Robin, you play dirty."

"You love it!"

"Woooooooo!"

**Answers**  
1. Gone  
2. American Psycho  
3. Third Time Lucky  
4. Valentine  
5. Brotection


End file.
